gun in my hand, shadows at my feet
i must never retreat, retreat

title: your name

you ought to know,

when i see your face

no longer is there a sharp pain in my chest

it has been replaced with a dull ache—

like when you gnaw at the inside of your cheek

and there’s that one last bit of dead skin.

we were dancing a dangerous dance

and we both burned for it.

i spent nearly two years—

nearly two two years!

trying to erase you.

but i also tried to forgive you,

and forgive me too.

it took the longest and hardest way

of reaching deep into my chest

and carving you out of there

with a rusty fucking knife.

you took my nights,

you took my love,

you took my friends,

you took my sanity.

let me tell you,

there’s still a tumor in my chest

and i named it after you.

but the shrapnel’s been dug out,

dressed with bandage.

you ought to know,

i think i’m ready to leave you behind,

and carry my cancer instead.

cruelty threefold

cruelty upon cruelty upon cruelty

and it all rushes back threefold—

whispers to the night and the moon,

give him, give me all you can hold.

 

and there’s a lonely man under the stars

told once long ago to set out away

and he’s walked through rain and snow

keeping his head up for the new day.

 

they whispered, no i lie, they screamed—

you, my lonely son, are evil and damned,

no matter how far you walk and turn.

and the man set out the door, on the lam.

 

cruelty upon cruelty upon cruelty

and it all rushes back threefold—

whispers to the night and the moon,

give him, give me all you can hold.

 

the lonely son was damned for once,

and he repented, he renounced for thrice,

as spake the goddess once long ago

in the darkest, most haunted of nights.

 

his damnation, his damnation,

to a cruel one he showed love,

to a cruel one he showed sin.

and the cruel one called above.

 

and the angels around him, them,

the angels, oh how they roared!

with righteous rage and delight,

the angels, oh how they soared!

 

and the lonely son learned hard,

he learned angels are not kind—

angels seek out justice and rage

and poor man, justice is blind.

 

cruelty upon cruelty upon cruelty

and it all rushes back threefold—

whispers to the night and the moon,

give him, give me all you can hold.

 

so the lonely man repents into the night,

haunted by visions of angels soaring.

never forgetting the cruelty threefold,

haunted by visions of angels roaring.

untitled 02

a twisted comorbidity

of egomania and record-breakingly low self esteem

plagues the youth of america,

myself an example.

 

the grand theory

that the world is a social experiment gone wrong

and what it needs,

is a little decimation.

 

a self-hatred,

always confirmed by the souls that are thrown at my feet

I am not a monster,

only what you made me.

 

the black thoughts

that threaten to scratch through the yellow wallpaper

hastily put up,

in a bout of self worth.

o emilie

o emilie,

one of the daughters of the tortured goddess—

wrath and despair flooded your body, a legendary inheritance.

shadows flicker across your face as you look down

melancholy dragging your eyes to the ground.

douleur n’a jamais été aussi belle en ce moment!

o emilie,

one of the daughters of the triumphant goddess—

power and resilience flooded your body, a legendary inheritance.

dreams flicker across your face as you look upwards

hope lifting your eyes to the sky

que tous tes désirs se réalisent!

holy grail

heady topper is my holy grail

one sip of it and i was in love with its citrus aftertaste.

 

a dreamless night is my holy grail

prophecies are only grand when they happen once.

 

one good kiss is my holy grail

i can turn to her and kiss her lemon lips without laughing at the absurdity.

 

that day is my holy grail

when i look at her and see the future, and it is today.

 

run away

Run away, victim of my heart

Hold fast, let go from the start

Cry out, in wrath and pain,

“Stay here, we can try again.”

 

Look at yourself, look at us—

Doomed to revolve, the same story

Stories of love and of lust,

But the same heartbreak and misery.

 

Yes, I’m here staying with you.

No, I can’t stay much longer,

Yes, I have to be leaving soon.

No, this won’t make you stronger.

 

All these stories we hear of fidelity—

Virtues held and dropped and lost,

They can’t hold against reality,

And we see the battles we fought.

heart in a box

I hid my heart in a box,

Buried it deep down.

 

I dug it back up

For a girl I found.

 

Then I hid it again

Deep in the ground.

 

My girl didn’t love me,

To another she was bound.

 

Still beating on,

Blood going around.

 

This time I dug it deeper,

So it couldn’t be found.

untitled 01

Need an outlet,
Hard to breathe,
Can’t forget,
My knife is sheathed.
Where’s all the pain,
Where’s all the glory?
Again and again,
It’s not a fairy story.
Bomb ticking
About to explode
Lip-licking
Suspense in code.
Damn all this restraint!
Excuse me ma’am,
May I process a complaint?
It’s all a sham!
World’s falling apart,
With all of us inside,
Take this to heart,
Life isn’t a free ride.
Live then you fall,
Black abyss waiting.
Gave it your all,
But that runner’s gaining.
I’m not afraid to die,
If I die standing up.
Waving goodbye,
Sipping from death’s cup.

dandelion seeds

eyes raised to the sky

in demurred fear.

whispered conspiracy,

when will it be here?

waiting patiently for something never understood

belief replaces logic when asking for reason.

as there becomes only one world,

a grey, grey, grey eternal season.

as the world revolves

like the barrel of a gun,

everyone points to the terrorist,

armed with the red sun.

and you can’t find a rhyme, and you can’t find a reason

as everybody blames and accuses,

you look for the beginning, they look for the ends.

and in their eyes, everyone loses.

when the ends only justify the means,

hearts will slowly stop beating.

as the sky turns red and the seas black,

they won’t stop retreating.

with their minds closed

and their hearts locked,

begin an exodus

when they’re just shocked.

eyes raised to the sky

in demurred fear.

whispered conspiracy,

when will it be here?


Title: ptsd

Artist: Kael

Played: 29 times

words:

you ask me if i know of war,

its sullen, abrasive roar.

i bite my tongue, hedge and joke,

but you’ve never been choked.

i have lived a war-torn battlefield

crossed my heart and never feel.

war is fought with guns and fatigues,

but i fought a war of lies and intrigues.

a bayonet pressed to my chest,

no, it pierces so that i never rest.

there are no guns in this altercation,

just prayers and proselytization.

the church that betrayed me, frayed me—

put me on a cross and they flayed me.

first i had been played as a messiah

then i had been made as a pariah.

i am a soldier where i stood as a leader,

i am a victim where i stood as a creature.

they wrote me as the rise and fall of Caesar,

but i was the rise and fall of a dreamer.

hands around my neck and they squeeze,

eyes everywhere i turn, irises seize.

no, i claim, i have known hands to kill,

i feel their marks on my throat still.

you have never yet tasted blood

and i pray, pray you never would.

the voice that pushes a mind to die

is the same as a gun, bullets fly.

you say: i can’t have those letters,

p and t and s and d, its fetters.

but when i walk into a room and count,

try to find all the ways i can get out—

and you walk into a room with no numbers,

tell me, am i wrong, really unencumbered?

when i hear the words and sounds,

and i try to find the ammunition rounds-

reload the gun of my mind in defense,

tell me, am i wrong, it’s just past tense?

i have lived a war-torn battlefield

crossed my heart and never feel.

because someone asked me if i’d been to war. i can’t remember the context but anyways enjoy my voice and my words